Edward vs. Jamie

Dedicated to Joan. I don't know when she'll ever read this, but it's simply because she's the one who'll completely understand. _____________________________________________________

If you know me, you know what this is going to be about. Don't bother reading further if you're just going to roll your eyes and think I'm crazy. I'm not. I know this because I'm not the only one.
My top two favourite fictional men of my life. Actually, it does sound a bit crazy once it's typed out. Ah well, there it is. And I'm going to do what I thought I'd never do-- compare and choose my number one. (PS. I have my second addition to my 2009 To-Do List! More on that another time).

I have thought about who I would choose as my ultimate fictional fling, but never came to a conclusion. Let's see if by laying it out I can finally close the chapter on this book. (I'm so clever aren't I?)

Edward Cullen- Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Series (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Midnight Sun)

Really? Do I need to explain who he is? Or what he's done to my life? And every other female- little girls to grown women--breathing? For the fun of it, let's...
I was introduced to Twilight by one of my students. It didn't appeal to me at all then. The following year, the major motion picture was to be released so I decided to read it to see what the hype was about before I watched it. Borrowed my first copy from a student in my class. I was hooked and addicted like a perv on porn. Borrowed New Moon from another student. By this time, not only was I already in love with Edward, but I needed to have the books for my self.
Now, the writing is no way close to being ingenious. Far from. It had many flaws, was in no way a prize winner. I mean, dazzle? And just how many times do I have to read phrases with "pursed his lips" and "granite" and "marble" and "ochre"? Or "sing song voice" or "graceful like a ballerina"? These were a few words and expressions used and abused over and over again.
So true, tt wasn't brilliant writing. But it was fun. It was addictive in the sense you needed to know when Edward and Bella were finally going to f-ck the life (or death) out of each other. You needed to know when Edward would f-ck Jacob up like any normal teenager would and then behead and devour him as his true demonic self. Well, at least that's why I was hooked. That and a whole lotta Edward.
Thus the need to own the novels was the beginning of my endless search for the Twilight Saga boxed set. Michael told me to wait- that maybe "someone" will get it for my birthday. But that was a month away and I couldn't wait. So we drove from one Chapter's to another, one Costco to another, and finally got myself my own early birthday present at a third Chapter location.
Ahh, let's cut to the chase. Edward. I would much rather have had him as my early birthday present, but ehh, I prefered to be mortal. And for Blake, who was at the time still in my belly, to be born vampire-free. So where do I begin? Why are so many in love with this immortal fictional boy? I'll list:

1) He's hot. He's gorgeous. He's an "Adonis carved out of marble stone". The way Meyer described him (albeit over and over again) makes you want to get with him, any way, any how. He might bite you? Pssh, PLEASE do.
2) He's a protector and defender of his woman. Who doesn't want a hot man to be there to save your ass when your in the face of danger? Those so-called independent feminist lesbians, that's who. I mean, he was totally p-ssywhipped in the sense he never beat the sh-t out of Jacob in any book, but the way he was there when she pricked her finger (a la Sleeping Beauty) or when his shiny Volvo spun in front of those College dirt bags and told Bella to get in the car... yowza. Who wouldn't want to scream bite the sh-t outta me?
3) He thinks Bella's God's greatest gift to him, even though it's the other way around. Sort of. I don't think God would grant a vampire as a gift to any young girl, but you know what I mean. She's "normal". He loves her for that. He compliments her. He opens doors for her. He cooks for her even though he doesn't eat. He doesn't eat her. It's the "gentleman" thing that every being with a Y-chromosome should automatically be embedded in their biological system with. He watches her sleep. Creepy? Not to me, I think it's sweet. And yes, I admit I freak the f-ck out when I open my eyes and see Michael staring at me, but that's different. He actually is sleeping-- with his eyes open. Shiver. I don't know what could be more frightening... lol.

Moving on...
Jamie Fraser- Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series (Outlander, Dragonfly in Amber, Voyager, Drums of Autmn, Fiery Cross, A Breath of Snow and Ashes, An Echo in the Bone)

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Sigh. He is one hot piece of ass I'm telling you. A hairy one, maybe but a muscular one you just want to squeeze over and over again? Hell yeah. Jamie is a man. A real man. (Fictionally speaking of course). He's an 18th century Highlander. He has a Scottish accent. A damn fine one at least the way I hear it. He's a warrior. Okay, so now do I need to further explain? A Scottish warrior? Me, the one who's son's middle name symbolizes a Scots warrior? Yeah, didn't think so... but of course I will go further!
I'm currently reading Gabaldon's seventh installment of one of the best, most engaging series ever. And it is well written. Where Meyer can't write for sh-t on bricks, Gabaldon's a master bricklayer. Her writing is so detailed, so entertaining, so suspenseful, so engaging, that reading her 1200 + page novels takes no time. I fell in love with Outlander and Jamie immediately. Pure history, pure love and death, pure sex- hot Jamie sex and its fantastic. Don't get me wrong, these novels aren't the "romance- Fabio" kind of novels, there's real intelligence and historical accuracy behind it. The political aspect of the novels get a bit tiring sometimes, but the constant asskicking and killing Jamie does and his sweat dripping heroic saves for Clare just sweeps you off your feet. You will love Jamie Fraser and want to be his "sassenach". Oh trust me. So why Jamie?

1) He's a f-cking man's man. What do I mean? Well he's human for one. He ages. He bleeds. He almost dies- many times. He will eventually die and I will cry like a baby. His heart beats. He loves his woman to the core. I mean, English, sexy, fat, raped, bald, timetraveler and everything. (NOTHING like TimeTraveler's Wife so don't go there). He swears. He sexes. He scratches himself. He drinks whisky. He fights other men. He butchers anyone who threatens his wife or family unlike p-ssywhipped Edward. Did I mention he's a warrior? Like picture Braveheart, only a billion times sexier. And Jamie always ends up kicking major English ass. Pip pip cheerio- BAM. There goes your head and balls in a cup of tea. Fan-f-ckng-tastic.
2) He has an accent. He's Scottish. He's a highlander. Ruddy, messy, grunting. I don't know what half the words Gabaldon writes him as saying, but I bet they sound sexy all the same. Never in my life would I find a man wearing a kilt as something attractive. But hey, this is the same lifetime I also find vampires appealing. So...?
3) He is fine like the best scots whisky. The way Gabaldon describes him towers Meyer's Edward. I can't believe I just wrote that but I did. Jamie has red hair, nice and tall, big and muscular, numerous battle scars, slanted cat eyes and one mighty sexy beast. Gabaldon has once said that the closest real life person that could play Jamie in a movie would be Gabriel Aubry. There is a movie in the works. So excited for it. I just hope it doesn't pull a "Twilight" aka butcher the f-ckng book. Too bad Aubry's a model and not an actor. Still, he's pure sex.

I honestly could go on and on and on about this. You know I can. But to finally cut this week-long post (it takes me a while to write and geet'er done) where Edward is perfect for unlimited power and protection, beautiful to look at and serenade you all night long, I don't think it's enough to outdo Jamie.
SAY WHAT?!?! Yeah I know.
While Jamie's power may be limited, he fights like a barbaric man which is f-cking hot, is equally if not more sexy and Jamie is ultimately the one you want not serenading you all night long, but sexing you all night long. You think I'm crazy? Dude, you've seen those Twi-hards. There's one for Jamie too, only the crazed teens haven't found him yet. Wait for the movie-- if it's made and casted right- you'll jump on the Jamie bandwagon too.
There you have it. Edward the sexy and chivalrous. Jamie the sexy, the chivalrous and the f-cking man you want to f-ck.

I'm going to read.

Here it is: "actor" Jamie vs. "actor" Edward.
Jamie does it huh?